Our Personal Loss
My family recently suffered through the loss of one of our dogs. Quilla, our cairn terrier mix was a member of this family for 13 of her wonderful 16 years of life. This was the first time my wife and two daughters have ever been through something like this. Quilla fulfilled many different roles in our family. She was a caretaker to my girls and other dogs. She was a companion and a playmate. Quilla was a loyal friend. Her loss created a void in our family. This article will highlight some of the feelings you may share with us while grieving the loss of a pet. We will also discuss some tips to help your family begin the healing process. Read Quilla’s Story by clicking her photo or here.
The Role of the Family Pet
Our pets fulfill certain roles in your lives. They love us unconditionally, which can make their loss very hard to accept. We develop a bond with our dogs and cats that can’t be explained to non-pet lovers. They may not appreciate or understand our loss. So when we lose a pet, we need to find a healthy way to cope with not only the loss of our companion, but also loss of our shared bond.
A simple search on Google for “grieving pet loss” resulted in over 75 million results. That is because all of us as pet owners will at some point have to deal with this. It is a sad reality that our dogs and cats live much shorter lives than we do, so you may be faced with this ordeal several times in your life.
Stages of Grieving
- Guilt – you may feel responsible for your pet’s death. This makes resolving your grief more difficult.
- Shock or Denial – you will feel stunned. This is normal and actually helps you get through the first weeks. Many deal with loss through denial. Closing or sealing away your real feelings. It is okay to verbalize or cry. Don’t bottle up your feelings because this will only add more stress.
- Anger – you may find yourself directing anger toward your family, friends, vet or even yourself. You will feel less angry by opening up and talking to the people around you.
- Depression – usually all of the above stages lead to depression. You will feel emptiness, regret, hopelessness and sadness. This is often the longest stage. Feeling depressed may cause you to dwell on the sorrow.
Acceptance and Healing
Eventually you will accept what has happened. You will recall the great times you shared with your pet. You will cherish your memories. You will begin to heal.
Steps Toward Healing
Once you accept and recognize how much that pet meant to you, the healing process begins. You’ll celebrate their life and the happiness they gave you. Follow these helpful steps:
- Give yourself permission to grieve
- Accept that your pet meant a lot to you
- Place a plaque, picture or memorial to your pet somewhere
- Surround yourself with positive friends and family or people who have a similar experience
- Be healthy – eat, exercise and treat yourself right
- Recognize you will relapse, but realize you will get through it
- Lean on your family and provide them comfort too
Helping Your Children Cope
Children are very resilient and often heal first. However, this may be their first encounter with death. You know your family better than anyone, but these are some tips that helped us cope:
- Be honest about the circumstances. They probably have fears and misconceptions about death. Sit them down and talk to them openly. Don’t tell them the pet “ran away” because they will always be waiting for them to come home.
- Explain what the terms mean. You “put your dog to sleep” may have a different meaning to children. Tell them about euthanasia and explain that your pet’s suffering and pain will end.
- Show sorrow. It’s alright to let them know you feel the pain too.
- Have short discussions often about your loss.
- Teens often share the same feelings as adults. Be there for them, because it takes a while to get though this loss together.
- Listen to what your family has to say. Share the loss together and talk about all of the good times and playful behavior your pet showed.
- A friend at work gave me a poem Rainbows Bridge to read to my kids. It put the loss in a different perspective.
I hope this article helps you cope with the loss of a pet. Nobody can take away the pain, but these tips will help you get through it. Your companion will always live on in your memory.
Four Things that Helped the Most
- I talked with the loving staff at our pet shelter in Falmouth – The Friends of Falmouth Dogs. They have encountered loss many times and can provide helpful advise that is very touching and meaningful!
- We talked with our vet. South Cape Vet here on Cape Cod has a wonderful staff. They helped us as a family, every step of the way.
- We looked at old pictures together. This helped guide the discussion for us on coping with loss, and reminded us about all the great memories.
- I wrote this blog! Writing seems to help me sort out my thoughts. I’ve opened up this blog for comments, so feel free to tell your story. Write what is on your mind! It helped me and I hope it can help you too!
The year was 1995. I was serving in the USAF, stationed in Germany with my wife Laura, my 2 year old daughter Lexi, and our newborn girl Macy. We had talked for a while about adopting a dog. We’ve always loved dogs and we knew our home was warm and had lots of love. We decided a new pet would be great for Lexi, especially since we’d be giving her new baby sister so much attention.
Laura found a classified listing in “The Eifel Times”, our base paper, with a the headline: “Friendy (F) Jack Russel Terrier Mix, 2 years old. Good with children. Bitburg Housing.” We promptly called and visited with children in tow to the military housing at a nearby Bitburg Air Base. The family had explained on the phone that they were moving to Seattle, and feared winter travel in an aircraft storage area during winter would be too much for “Tequilla” to handle.
When we arrived to meet Tequilla she ran to the door barking. We noticed this all blonde dog was friendly and had a lot of “bounce” to her step. She looked much more like a Cairn Terrier mix. She was small, about 14 pounds and wore a pink collar with bells on it. After visiting for a while, the father gave us the go ahead and approvingly told us the inside scoop on this teddybear-like ball of affection. The father exclaimed “Tequilla loves to have her belly rubbed like this.” He warned us that she would occasionally get into the trash and loved to watch birds and chase squirrels. We went home with Tequilla that day and welcomed her into our family.
We kept her the name Tequilla, but nicknamed her Quilla. We learned from the military vet, that we were this young two year old pup’s third family. We believed she had some abuse in her past, because whenever we’d come home to find she had gone though the trash, she would cower into a corner and pee. We showed Quilla lots of love and attention, and eventually she stopped peeing, but she still loved the trash. Somehow it took us the next ten years to figure out that the canister style trash cans were “Quilla proof”. Sorry it took so long Quilla!
Over the years we showed Quilla as much love and attention as she showed us. Eventually, her nervousness went away. She walked with a confident strut. She’d sleep in the kids bed every night. Upon waking, she would begin sniffing around. It didn’t matter if we were inside or out. The smells were always her wide screen TV! Quilla loved to dry off after a bath. She would run so fast around the house that sometimes her hind quarters would get ahead of her. She would rub into the carpet until every last drop of water had dried. Then suddenly she would stop and stare at you, then resume running around the whole house until the kids would chase her laughing and yelling.
After living in Germany for four years, we decided to leave the military in pursuit of a civilian career. Laura and the kids went to the states, but Quilla stayed in Germany with me to keep me company for the last four months of service until I could join them. This only reinforced our special bond. I took her into local stores with me as dogs in Germany are allowed almost everywhere. Quilla did get me into some trouble in the hotel I was living in. She would usually bark the entire time I was gone. I think she was really feeling lonely, especially without the girls.
When we flew home to the states, Quilla was so happy to be reunited with the family! She showered the girls with kisses. She quickly fell back into her normal routines. Over the next year we moved three times before settling in to our home here on Cape Cod.
Another favorite activity was playing ball. Actually, it was more of an attempt at playing ball. Quilla was so clumsy that she would never really get the ball. She’d bat at it with her fluffy paws a few times and if she was lucky she’d move it around a little. That changed when we got our second dog, Hunter. She’d try hard to compete for the ball, and when the kids held Hunter back she would actually retrieve it.
On July 4th, 2001, our first 4th of July on the Cape, Quilla and I were outside at my home with a friend watching fireworks. Quilla suddenly ran to the back of the house barking, only to have her barks replaced by yelps. I ran to the back of the house yelling, just in time to see a dark shadow running off in the woods. Quilla was whimpering and shaking near the house. I took her inside and found she had been attacked by a Coyote. Under the advise of my father in law, the doctor, I dressed her wounds and took her to the vet as soon as possible. She ended up having 27 stitches when all was said and done.
I still believe Quilla only made it out alive because the confidence she learned with us and her inner strength. She ran from the coyote toward the house where she felt there was always safety. Had she still been the dog we adopted, she would have cowered away and died. But she was strong, and lived for another eight wonderful years. She participated in birthdays and always loved Christmas. Quilla became like a mother to our new dogs Hunter and Joey, always keeping them in line and establishing balance in our family.
Quilla slowed down a little over the last couple of years, and also went mostly deaf, but she still had a little bounce left in her proud step. She was never short of love either. Quilla always made a point of loving everyone around her. She recently became very ill and was bleeding quite a bit. As the end approached, she gave us two good days. We played, took her to the beach and hung out with all the dogs. It was her last goodbye. In the end she went quickly, with my daughter Lexi holding her at the vet. It was very emotional for all of us. We miss her and will always remember all the years of joy that she gave us. Quilla is now on Rainbows Bridge!
We love you Quilla
